My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness..I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close enough..”

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

One minute you’re young and fun. Next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. …I forgot where I was going with this.

Having plans sounds like a good idea ..until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older… This is not what I expected.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

I see people my age mountain climbing. I feel good just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story anyway.